This is and oldie, but definitely a goodie. A co-worker threw a printed copy onto my desk this morning and I couldn't contain my laughter. I take absolutely no responsibility for the original writup, which will be in black. I didn't write it, it's been around forever. My comments will be in red.
60°F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.
Well, for the most part this is right, but what people don't understand is that people in New England usually don't sunbathe at all. Even when it's 90°. Unless they were originally from Southern California, then they wouldn't be outside unless they were wearing their flashy new fleece from EMS. 60? is more like shorts, t-shirt and sandles weather.
50°F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.
First of all, I don't understand why anyone would need to turn their heat on at 50?, unless you're my mother, but in that case, you're also wearing a sweater in July. Planting gardens, on the other hand, is pretty much right-on. Usually it's when it's 50° while the tempature is getting warmer; late spring.
40°F: Italian & English cars won't start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.
I've seen one Italian car in Vermont in my entire life. It was during the summer, too. This possibly explains why. Now English cars... most people I know who have MG's can hardly get them started in the summer. Windows down? Hell yeah! I'll actually let it get a little colder too, as long as my arm hairs don't freeze while I hang my arm out the window, it's all good.
32°F: Distilled water freezes.
Maine's Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker.
See, there's a reason we don't drink distilled water up here in Vermont. All of our water comes from wells and springs. It's not uncommon to have cloged shower heads and cloudy drinking glasses from all the mineral deposits. And after a few days of 32° or lower tempatures all lakes in New England become thicker.. even sometimes thick enough to walk on.
20°F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.
Floridians don't go outside at 20°, they don't sell thermal underwear in Florida, and Floridian's have no idea where wool comes from. Never underestimate the power of flannel though. Baaa.
15°F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.
See, at 15° it is getting a bit chilly on the outside, but on the inside, granted you don't have large holes in your walls, it should be at least comfortable to live without the heat on. Get some blankets you Sally. Cookouts should never end just because it gets cold. It's not uncommon to fire up the grill in the middle of the winter to get that good ol' bar-b-que taste year round. The fire in the grill doesn't care how cold it is outside.
0°F: All the people in Miami die...
New Englanders close their windows.
Who cares.. it's only Florida. This is right though, about closing windows. This is about the time that my bedroom window will shut for the season. It's not uncommon up to this point for me to keep it open a crack, especially when I sleep. I'd much rather have it cold in my room and be under nice and warm blankets than it to be blistering hot.
-10°F: Californians fly away to Mexico.
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.
I suppose that flying to mexico is better than dissapearing into the earth along the San Andreas fault. I also never understood why Girl Scouts (and Boy Scouts alike) choose the coldest days of the year for selling their cookies, popcorn or going on bottle drives. Get smart -- hand your order forms to Mom and Dad and have them take them to work. Everyone loves Girl Scout cookies, and what's a bit of over-priced popcorn from the Boy Scouts?
-25°F: Hollywood disintegrates.
People in New England get out their winter coats.
Hasn't Hollywood been disintergrating for years? Who can name a good flick that's come out of Hollywood in the past 5 years? This is about the time the good ol' North Face 3 piece parka system comes out of the closet. Until this time, a simple fleece works fine.
-40°F: Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in New England let dogs sleep indoors.
As long as we keep a Republican in office, Washington D.C. will never run out of hot air. This one's only on here for joke purposes. We only let our dogs sleep indoors if they don't have a doghouse outside. If they do, they're good to at least -60°.
-100°F: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs".
What?! Santa Claus is real? And just to verify, not everyone in New England speaks with a Massachusetts accent. Smart New Englanders have "block heetahs".
-460°F, 0? Kelvin, absolute 0: All atomic motion stops.
People in New England start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
It's great to see that the person who originally wrote this was up to snuff on his Atomic Physics. He hit that one right on the head, as well as straying away from that annoying Massachusetts accent and using one more universal to this part of the country.
-500°F: Hell Freezes over.
The Red Sox win the World Series.
