And eat them. :(
Makes me sad!
Vote Barack Obama on November 4th!
Makes me sad!
Vote Barack Obama on November 4th!
Recently in Humor Category
Well, not quite, but it sticks in my head waaaay too much lately...
(I found this on YouTube, I take no credit...)
(I found this on YouTube, I take no credit...)
Found this floating around MySpace recently...
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. The principal told him to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did ask he was told and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his pecker hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. The principal told him to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did ask he was told and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his pecker hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, "All the men here are tall and handsome."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
