Does a 100% chance exist? If the probability of something happening is 100%, then it's for-sure.
How come a piece of toilet paper is about 4"x4"? Have you ever known someone to use just one?
February 2005 Archives
Why is it they play "Sweet Home Alabama" in the background of a Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial?
So it all started yesterday. I was working away when I get a instant message from a good buddy of mine. The converstaion went something like this:
(names have been changed to protect the infringer of copyrites)
[16:20:00] MyFriend Dude.. check this out https://www.thiscrummywebsite.com/southpark-me.jpg
[16:21:22] MyFriend Me in South Park.
So of course, I click on his link...
[16:24:20] Mickey Man.. that's grat!
[16:25:06] Mickey Can you do one of me?
[16:26:00] MyFriend Sure man... let me hit that up tonight, cool?
[16:34:20] Mickey Of course.. here's a picture to reference m20040701_2.jpg
So I come in this morning to work, and just as promised, the above picture was sitting in my inbox. I went along and added the logo on my shirt.. but other than that.. it was all MyFriend.
So when MyFriend goes to log on this morning I go to thank him, but before I could, I get this IM:
[08:04:20] MyFriend Check these out man: All of Us, Brett & Alex
Looks like someone was busy last night...
Thanks Mike! You rock!
Woops.. I said his name.... ;)
Like I've said before, posting stuff here that I get in e-mail is my way to not fill up everyone's e-mail with junk mail by re-fowarding them to everyone I know. This is one I got the other day...
Aug. 1
Moved to our new home in Vermont. It is so beautiful here. The town is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow.
I LOVE IT HERE.
Oct. 14
New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise.
I LOVE IT HERE.
Nov. 11
Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE!
Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today. (I won!) When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE!
Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.
Dec. 19
Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking Snowplow!
Dec. 22
More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. That Asshole!
Dec. 25
"White Christmas" my busted ass. More fucking snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will
castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this fucking ice.
Dec. 28
More of the same shit last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Jan. 1
Happy Fucking New Year. The weatherman was wrong AGAIN). We got 34 fucking inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and shit for brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over his fucking head.
Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the fucker. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.
May 3
Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the fuccking salt they keep dumping all over the roads. It really looks like a piece of shit.
May 10
Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right fuccking mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Vermont.
Tonight my girlfriend told me that she was going to make real macaroni and cheese.
This excited me, until I realized that real macaroni and cheese meant the stuff in the box NEXT to the Easy Mac.
Do Commandos wear underwear?
Today I bought a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips.
On the back of the bag it said "All American Sea Salted".
My question is, how far out in the ocean can one go before the salt is no longer American? What if the water of which the sea salt was extracted drifted in from Europe? Is it still All American? Or is it Euro-American?
The questions some people leave unanswered.
Sent to me in an IM from a friend:
How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its' conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. There is no shortage of filament. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
Sent to me by a friend and posted here for your enjoyment...
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that; you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns on his blog, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make his visitors laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
